Insomnia and Birthdays

 

Dear Daddy,

I want to wish you a happy birthday, and to tell you that even although its been 30 months since you left us so unexpectedly, we still miss you so much every day.  Since your last birthday, I guess it has become a little easier to accept you are not here any more, but in some ways its more difficult because the time since I last saw you last is greater. 

I marvel at how big Oscar is getting every day, but then I also remeber that you died just 3 weeks before he was born and sadly you never knew each other. It makes me laugh though, that I told you, if the baby was a boy he would be called Oscar Casey (Casey being one of your middle names), and you said that would make him OC and you would call him Ozzy, man.  It makes me remember your funny fondness for the wild man Ozzy Osbourne.

I don't mark the passing of your death in January Dad, because it seems wrong to me to commemorate a day such as that. But the last 2 years I have laid out flowers for you on Gran and Grandad'a grave because you dont have one yourself. It seemed appropriate since it is Grandad's birthday today too. I cant do that this year. Sunday bus services from here to the city being what they are, I am afraid I wont make it to the cemetery. Tonight after dinner, when the house is all quite I will light a candle for you and have a wee glass of something in your honour.

I am sure that would be ok with you, you liked a wee drink on your birthday.

Happy Birthday Daddy, I love you.

Your girl

Valerie

xxx

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Last night was a rough one, this helped though, what will they think up next snooze link

 

Currently Loving

A Pirates Breakfast

 

The progress so far on my cupboard make-over

 

Chateauneuf Du Pape

Pricey but worth it.

 

Vintage Ladybird Books

Find a selection on Amazon

 

The New Season 4 Of True Blood

Ah, Eric, *sigh*

 

Beach Trousers That Become PJ's

Due To Lack Of Beach-Weather

 

My Eldest Son's Birthday

Happy Birthday Christopher

(For yesterday 28th)

xxx

 

That Friday Feeling

Have A Good Weekend Everyone

Valerie

xxx

 

 

Booky Wookys

I have a link to a book page over in the sidebar, but its not very obvious so I thought I would do a little post on our favorite books.

Oscar

I have mentioned it before, but its worth saying again, we are HUGH Shirley Hughes book fans in this house, and I suppose at this age, Oscar reads (or is read to), the books we choose. Make no mistake though, he is quite vocal about things he doesnt like, and he chooses his own bedtime story from his little 'library'. Here are the favorite Shirley Hughes books which we have read.

Annie Rose is My Little Sister

Shirley Hughes

Lucy and Tom at the Seaside (Picture Puffin)

by Shirley Hughes

Alfie's Feet

Shirley Hughes

Alfie and the Birthday Surprise

Shirley Hughes

Alfie Weather

Shirley Hughes

The Sofa Saga

Ok, so it would seem a bit stupid to buy a new sofa right before we move house (again!!!), but its an on-going tale. First of all, I cant even remember when, before Christmas anyway, I bought a 2nd hand leather sofa (love the 2nd hand shopping). It was advertised as black and in good condition. I was not available when the guy dropped it off so Duncan assumed I knew what I was doing and accepted it. When I got home I was pretty miffed. It was dark green and one arm was pretty collapsed in. It was a private sale, I didn't have the guys address, only his email address, and he ignored my email of complaint. The worst thing about it though, was the smell. I cant explain it, and Duncan has no sense of smell, so didn't know what I was wittering on about. Eventually I bought a brand new faux leather sofa from TJ Hughes (on sale) and got rid of the stinky green one. After 2 weeks I knew why it was on sale, it was SO uncomfortable. Eventually, after about 6 weeks I bought the current corner sofa we have.  This is a very badly designed corner sofa, and I would urge anyone looking at it to avoid it like the plague, as seen here. It has a sloping back behind the cushions which means the cushions on the seat are constantly pushed forward and become flat at the back with all the stuffing at the front on the cushions, making them overhang and become very uncomfortable to sit on.

So, before we moved here, I went to a really good second hand furniture dealer link for locals, and bought a lovely cream coloured fabric sofa. After a few false starts concerning delivery, they arrived on a wet Tuesday with the sofa. They managed to get it into the hallway, and that was that, it wouldn't go any further, (large sofa, small cottage type hallway). After a lot of 'talk' they took it away again and told me to come in and pick a smaller one or get a refund.  Before I took the 'hell' journey into the city to pick one, they phoned to say they had just noticed the arms came off for delivery. I was pretty happy, so again a delivery was arranged. I had to go out the day it came but I hadn't anticipated any problems. How wrong I was. Aimee took delivery this time, and informed me that when they tried to put it together they realised they had broken it taking it apart. AAAAArggggg. So the last couple of times I have been into the city I have looked in, but with no success, and eventually had to take the refund on offer, (all the sofa's at this time are minging).

Soooooooooo, last night I bought another sofa, online this time. Obviously I cant sit on it to try it, and having back problems DDD, I probably should, but it 'looks' comfy, has good reviews, and wasnt too expensive, which is a key factor here folks because lets be honest, the sofa fund is well and truly depleted.

 

 

 

Valerie

xxx

Seeing

Oscar and I took what is now known as the horror  ride (not to him, we are still trying to play it light and hope the travel sickness abates), into town, to see some potential properties. The pickings are slim, but I believe that's the same everywhere these days. One agent/owner didn't turn up at all, but he messaged to say he was a Judge or as they are called here in Scotland, or should I say, still, called here in Scotland, a Sheriff, and he was held up in court all day. Not sure I would want the sheriff as a landlord anyway.  I was totally depressed, which is my usual mood these days, mixed with stressed and panicked.

I bought a fast food lunch, a vegetarian one, but still, its not something I usually do, and tried to eat alfresco. No such luck. The pigeons were a flapping ratty nuisance, but when a seagull the size of a toddler showed up I scooped up a startled Oscar and made a break for it.  I may do a post on my fear of birds at another time.

Duncan cut out of work early to look at an unsuitable house with me and I became teary behind my sunglasses when the 3 people I thought may be able to give us a ride home turned out to be unavailable.

As I sat on the bus home, one eye on pale face (Oscar, and Duncan a bit actually), I was in real despair. Then  a funny thing happened, I saw us in a little period flat (apartment to any American blogger friends), in my most favorite part of the city (between the art school and the botanical gardens), and it suddenly seemed possible.  I expect there will be some talking behind my back and at the very least a few raised eyebrows if we move from a large house in a beautiful rural setting to a city flat. But that wouldn't be seeing it from my point of view. I just want to go home, and that isn't here.

Valerie

xxx

So

Well, isn't that a dramatic sky? It fits my current mood perfectly. I seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a panic here lately and now I need to calm down and sort it out. Its all to do with this lovely house you see. The problem is, it isn't mine.

Oh on paper it is, my name is right there on the lease. But my things don't belong here, and I have been suspecting for the last week or so (grace period over), neither do I. I have spoken to Duncan and he is going to help me fix it. 'It' being, find a new house back in the city. Back in the 'cultural quarter' from hence we came. We lived there for 12 years. Then we moved to an estate (to have a garden and to be closer to my Mum), and then we moved here, a reactionary move from the estate.

Its frankly a mess. But the bottom line is, I cant stay here. I feel like I have had my holiday and its time to go home. My things look alien to me, the house isn't  'flowing' for me, and my child literally vomits every time I bring him home on the bus.

Turns out, I belong in the city. I have tried to like it here , really I have, but when you know, you know. I hope that everyone will forgive me, so that eventually I can forgive myself.

 

Valerie

xxx

 

Rights And Wrongs

 

There have been a lot of 'wrongs' in my life lately, some big, some small, some I have mentioned (here and here) and some I haven't, for instance I spent £200 having hair extensions put in 2 weeks ago and I hate them, and have pulled nearly all of them out. Some of the 'wrongs' I cant talk about just now because they are still being resolved, and I need to work things out before I can write about them. The upshot is though, I am a bit afraid to try anything, because I am worried what will go wrong. Its a terrible place to be. I know a lot of my problem is rushing into things without a waiting period, its the low boredom business again, it makes me very impatient.

On Saturday I had an appointment scheduled for a new Tattoo. I have taken 12 YEARS to decide on a 2nd one, not exactly impetuous, but I was scared to go. Would I be ill, faint, throw up, would the tattoo artist balls it up, do it squint, go off on her own tangent? Yikes, this is what paranoia looks like.

It went 'right' though. The tattoo artist (link for the locals) was amazing, and thankfully, I love it.

 

Tree of Life

So, does this mean the winds are changing? I hope so. I have a long list of things in my head which I need to put into place to make things 'right', but at least I know what the wrongs are now, maybe I can get through that list and settle into a happier more contented period.

The biggest asset to me right now is my family. They really do mean the whole world to me, and I love them dearly, secure in the knowledge that they love me back.

Look at this little guy, he is most definitely a 'right'

 

 

 

Valerie

xxx

 

Inspirational Sundays

I thought I would run a feature on a Sunday for a few weeks at least, of people who's work really inspires me.

Inspirational Sundays

a collection of images and links to the people and works of some of the most talented artists I know.

If you want to join in please leave a link in the comments so I can see who inspires you.

Valerie

 

Dylan Drummond

I am proud to begin with a local artist, photographer Dylan Drummond. Dylan's website seems to be down  at present, but you can find him on facebook, fb link

Here is just a small sample of his stunning work. I love, love, love it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aren't they amazing? If you want to know more about the photographs, or commission Dylan for work you can contact him through the above facebook link. Dylan lives and works in Dundee, Scotland.

 

Oh Brother

For some strange reason, my little £50 sewing machine didnt survive the house move.  I tried a few times to make it go with no success. On Thursday I did my weekly trip around the shops, (Thursday instead of Friday this week), and since my sister was driving me home, I took advantage of the opportunity and picked up a new sewing machine. TJ Hughes is closing down and I managed to pick up a new Brother machine for a very reasonable price. And its FAB. I was having a bit of a rough day health wise yesterday, however I mustered the energy and enthusiasm to pull the new machine out of the box, and it sews amazingly well. Here are a couple of things I whipped off in the afternoon.

 

These are 100% linen trousers and felt incredibly nice. Oscar apparently agreed because he refused to take them off when I tried them on him to check the size. Hence the dodgy photo, he kept running away.

 

  

And these I am calling 'Beach Trousers' because they are lightweight cotton (so not terribly warm), and they remind me of deckchair fabric. 

Now all I need is beach weather to go with them.

 

* Day 24, brain zapps, altered mood, nausea - scale 1-10 = 2*

  Valerie

xxx

{this moment}

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. Soule Mama

A Glimmer

Last night was another one of those nights. The frequently difficult kind. Oscar woke yesterday at 6.30am, his Daddy's TWO alarm clocks woke him up prematurely. We had friends visit in the afternoon, his and mine, which was a lovely change for us, (hi L. I know you read the blog). After they left, Oscar ran up and down the garden a few times, then seriously flagged, and promply fell asleep, at 5.50pm. Cutting a long and seriously testing story short, he slept half an hour and then wouldnt go to sleep at bedtime,  until 10.45pm.

Needless to say, we are both quite tired today. I get tired easily, I always have done. I had a heart defect corrected as a child, and one of my main symptoms was tiredness. It never seemed to go away. I would be quite happy to nap every afternoon and take an early night every night. I dont get an afternoon nap often because I have a two year old who generally doesnt nap in the afternoon (he fights it all afternoon and then drops off just before dinner) and as for the early night, well, by the time Oscar eventually goes to sleep (the earliest being 8.30pm-ish), we tidy up, watch a bit of TV, chat about our days and sneak in a few lines of a book, Duncan and I rarely get to bed before midnight. I really want that to change. I think I would be a much nicer person with more sleep.

Anyway, a glimmer. I saw one this morning, even through my moody foggy brain drone, a glimmer of my former self. Not just pre- withdrawal from medication self, or pre ante-depressant self, or even pre baby self, but actually pre pregnancy self. It was like a door swung open for a second, I saw her standing there and recognised everything about her, just for a second, before the door slammed shut again.

Its a start though right? Now I know its accessible, I can figure out how to open the door and let her in for good.

"Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning. "

 

 

Daddy and Oscar decided to take the high road, and ignore the weather. So while I finished a knitting project and took a lavender bath, they went to Neverland.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Its quite a park isn't it? And apparently you have it to yourself on rainy days, I guess its not all bad.

Valerie

xxx

 

* Day 21, brain zapps, altered mood - scale 1-10 = 3*

 

 

Oh Come On

Welcome to another gripe about the weather. Its a theme in blog land, but hey, no wonder. When its sunny we are running out as fast as we can

But it never lasts. Duncan is having a long weekend this weekend and its rained for the last 3 days.  I know its Scotland, but its July, even we Scot's expect a hint of summer in July.

Oh well, at least I have managed some indoor activities.

wrist bands for goth baby

The Hours In The Day : Oscar Casey

I bought myself a new camera before we moved house, but with one thing and another I have hardly had any time to play around with it. So yesterday I decided that I would take a photograph of Oscar, every hour on the hour. This is harder than you would think, you should try it an see what I mean.  Anyway, Friday is usually the day I go shopping, so there are lots of buggy shots. It has made me realise how dull it must be for him. I will definitely be doing another 'hours in the day' so I can ease some of my guilt.

Oscar slept very late this day, 9.45am, in fact.

 

10am

Awake, but still sleepy

 

11am

Swiping the last of my tea

 

12pm

Arriving off the 5 mile bus trip to go shopping

 

1pm

Waiting for lunch to arrive in the cafe

 

2pm

Back to the shopping (looking pretty bored)

 

3pm

Waiting in line for the bus home

 

4pm

Home again, having a cuddle with Teddy, and eating some sweets

 

5pm

Playing with a magnetic fishing set (being Pingu)

 

6pm

Having some juice after running in the garden (sisters are annoying no?)

 

7pm

Playing pirates with Daddy after dinner, 'you old bilge rat'

('oh not you father, Captain Hook')

 

8pm

Some post bath photography

 

9pm

Ok, so I don't have a 9pm photo, we were trying to get him to sleep

 

10pm

Finally asleep, a 12 hour day.

 

Lots of other cute funny moments happened within each hour and it was difficult not to cheat and put one of those moments in instead, but either way, it shows how deceptive a set of photo's can be. He didn't eat a meal, wash, play outside, watch TV, draw, be read to, annoy the cat, or examine a spider in any of the photo's but they all happened that day.

Have a Lovely Weekend everyone

Valerie

xxx