What A Year

I started the year in January full of optimism.

I had a feeling changes were on the horizon, but I wrongly assumed my big life event

of 2014 would be Oscar starting school. 

In February Oscar had his 5th birthday ! 

I could hardly believe he had been dancing around the sun for 5 years.

March was a quiet month.

I spent a lot of time cooking and knitting and thinking about my faith.

In April we sadly marked the passing of another year since we lost our baby, Ellie-Rose.

April is always a sad month now.

May was very busy. We went to Edinburgh to say goodbye to one of our missionaries. 

I went to our Temple in Preston and had some special experiences, and we also had Duncan's birthday 

and Aimee's birthday.

natural history museum - Edinburgh

In June Oscar had his school induction days and did really well. 

We also had some actual sunshine

In July the school holidays began 

and Oscar did his first ever stage performance with his theatre group.

In August, my baby started school !

September !

We went on holiday.

I found out my husband was not the man I thought he was,

our marriage ended.

In October we had to re-home the pets, and ourselves.

The children and I moved to a little apartment of our own.

In November we just really did some settling in. I focused a lot on my Faith, and 

began to establish new routines.

December, and I coped with my first post break up birthday and wedding anniversary.

Oscar did his 2nd stage show.

My friend and I started our little business venture, 

and we celebrated Christmas where I had my mind firmly fixed on our Savior Jesus Christ.

Who knows what 2015 will bring. 

My Faith has grown and grown this year, and because of that

I can trust my future is safe in the Lords hands

Happy New Year when it comes !

See you on the other side.

Valerie

xxx

Wave Of Light 2014 - Babyloss Awareness Day

For you my precious baby Ellie-Rose

Love

Mama

x

This Week In The Garden

We have two tiny little gardens at the front and back of the cottage. 

We have not managed to do much with either side the last two years we have been here.

 This year we are going to make more of an effort. 

We moved the babies rose bush (which is looking decidedly un-lifelike I hope it picks up), 

and all of our hanging ornaments to the front garden yesterday (on her birthday), 

and we planted some flower bulbs. 

I intend to go to Poundland and go crazy on seeds and containers and see if we cant get a petite little container garden going.

Oscar has started a container of his own :-) 

And no, your eyes do not deceive you,

Oscar is indeed wearing a Christmas jumper 

in April.

Valerie

xxx

Two Years

We wish you were here 

Baby

Happy Birthday Ellie Rose

xxx

▲ Typical ▲

It is turning out to be a fairly typical March. 

The weather does not seem to know what it is doing and its a bit of a blah month for us too. 

Easter is later this year on 20th April which means it is one week before Ellie Rose's birthday 

(27th April) SEE HERE. 

It seems to be a difficult time of year for me, 

with mothers day on Sunday bringing back so many memories of dashed hope. 

Mostly though, I have accepted we won't be having any more babies, 

and I am mostly ok with it. I have even started clearing out my baby things. 

Its a sad time in a woman's life when she realizes her child carrying days are over 

(if you indeed wanted more children). 

I can see my diary filling up with other things and they are all good, 

so I know there are adventures ahead. 

Still, I maybe need a little more time to be sad for what might have been.

Some March weather photo's of here and here abouts

Hugs

Valerie

▼

Day Of Hope

19.08.2013

Day Of Hope : Prayer Flag Project

For my baby Ellie - Rose, who was born sleeping on 27th April 2012

Moroni 8:3
 I am mindful of you always in my prayers, continually praying
unto God the Father in the name of his Holy Child, Jesus, that
he, through his infinite goodness and grace, will keep you
through the endurance of faith on his name to the end.

My favorite and most heartfelt scripture, thank you *C.E.B.

Valerie

xxx

What A Difference A Year Makes

20.05.2013

They say time is a great healer. I am not sure if that is completely true. I think it is a shift in perspective over time, which can heal wounds, and not just the passing of time alone. We have all changed so much in the last year, it is a joy to see.

Some days I don't want to think about how big Oscar is becoming, because I miss the baby days. But, of course, I am so proud of the advancements he has made, and the changes he has mostly taken in his stride.

Duncan has certainly grown more hair over the last year. But, he has also grown as a person, and the love we have for each other has grown stronger and stronger and I never knew that was possible, when we loved each other so much to begin with.

I have to admit, that I have aged somewhat in the last year, and the strain of losing a baby and my Mother being very ill has taken its toll. I can say in all honesty that my heart is much lighter than it was this time last year, so a few extra wrinkles and grey hairs are a small price to pay for the journey I have travelled. 

Ellie's Rose Bush 2012

Ellie's Rose Bush 2013

Duncan and the children have played a 'huge' part in my recovery and without them I would be lost. I also have MY CHURCH in my life and so in turn Heavenly Father. My Mum said to me last week that there is a sparkle about me [since joining the church], that has been gone for a long long time. I know she was sceptical about the church, so I was surprised by her admission. If the truth be known, I feel a sparkle within myself, and I hope to carry it always.

Valerie

Fifteen Weeks

 

It has been just over 15 weeks since we said goodbye to our baby. I cant believe the time has been so short, I keep having to count it up over and over.  I have not said a lot about Ellie Rose lately, because I dont really know what to say. What I mean is, I don't have anything new to say. I (we) mourne for her and I mourne for a pregnancy that should be big and round by now. 

On Facebook the other day, a friend had linked to THIS story and there were comments left marveling at how brave it was for Gary Barlow to perform in public so soon after his baby girl Poppy was stillborn.  The truth is though, and my friend agreed, it doesnt always get easier a few weeks down the road. Sometimes it is much more difficult to cope, once the shock has worn off and you have to face up to the reality of it.

We wisely put Ellie's ashes into a potted rose bush container, because we were fairly sure we would be moving house at one point, and would want to take her with us (although I also have some in a wooden box in my bedroom).  Her little garden looks bleak today and thats how I feel about it all right now, just bleak.  I am hoping that by next spring and summer there will be other pots of brightly coloured flowers and bushes all around her and I wont feel so sad when I stand at the kitchen sink and gaze out.

 

Valerie

xxx

Inside And Out

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I don't have a lot to say today, possibly related to Oscar being up at 6am for the 3rd day in a row, and we are tired tired tired.

Valerie

xxx