At the weekend, I really struggled. I feel like I should be moving on a bit from Ellie not making it, but at the same time I feel like I have jumped up running too fast. Duncan pointed out that it has only been 3 weeks since her delivery, and I am not even physically recovered yet. It seems much longer. I have been chastising myself for still being so tired most days, but I guess 3 weeks after losing a baby, its pretty normal. When I am at home I am mostly ok, mainly because I can take a moment to slip away. Being outside is a whole other matter. Taking Oscar to nursery was scary yesterday, and will probably continue to be scary. I emailed the nursery a while back saying I was on bed rest due to a difficult pregnancy and Oscar couldnt start his place just yet. After I lost the baby I emailed them a start date, but I didnt mention the baby. I didnt know what to say. Being overweight to begin with means that at 3 weeks post delivery I still look pregnant (although it is going down). I am scared witless one of the nursery staff will comment on my pregnancy in front of everyone. Yesterday there were 3 mums with new babies sitting in the row of chairs outside the classroom, waiting for their children. The best I could do is not make eye contact. But in my head, the words 'Oh no, I'm not pregnant, my baby died' were going round and round and round in my head.
Ditto in my art class last night, in between poses. I wonder how long this will go on for.
Anyway, the drawing was good. It is the only thing which is truly mine right now. There is only one class left this term and I have been pretty sad about it, but it looks like I may have found a tutored class on Saturday mornings, so hoorah.
: :
10 minutes each - artists ink pen
: :
20 minutes - artists ink pen
: :
30 minutes - ink pen and water mixed acrylic paint
: :
20 minutes - conte soft pencil on blue paper
I have not been selective, this is the sum total of the class, some are better than others.
Valerie
xxx
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