This Weekend

New Hat

A giraffe out for a stroll

Waiting For The Train At Our Little Sation

In The Sweetie Shop (once owned by my parents, now owned by my Dad's cousin)

 

Feet Painting At The Gallery

 We went to see The Davinci Sketches, Oscar got to make some art of his own. INFO ON SKETCHES HERE

More arts and crafts, making a loo roll train

 

Sparkly Of Course

Helping Paint The Lounge Wall

 

Loving This Colour

Autumn Season Table, In The Dining Room

Valerie

xxx

Its funny how you can post a fairly happy post first thing in the morning, but by lunch time everything has turned into a proper disaster.  Oscar seems to have taken an alergic reaction to something unknown and the fact that he was up half the night scratching and crying had caught up with both of us by mid morning yesterday. I had to take his birth certificate to the Doctors surgery to complete his registration and I hunted high and low, ripping the place apart looking for it. I was tearful by lunchtime when Duncan text to say he had it in his bag at work. I will skip over my thoughts on that for the sake of common decency but it ended alright when Duncan met us at the Doctors surgery with the certificate. 

I know that my cycle is still all over the place since losing the baby (four and a half months, I thought it would be settled by now), and so my hormones are playing havoc with my moods. I also suspect that I have anemia again with the same underlying cause.

After we had been to the Doctors I went to Marks and Spencer and bought bread and bacon (I don't buy either very often), and we came home and had bacon sandwiches, it felt like a real treat.

I was determined that today wouldn't go the same way as yesterday, but a missing boot which meant I had to change my skirt to trousers almost took me down the same teary path.  The boot is still missing (we still have boxes to unpack in our room), but we got out on time and it wasn't too stressful. 

On the plus side, I managed to make some treats, now known as Smash-mal cake. With a bit with no mallow for me because I cant stand marshmallows. I finished knitting my hat and I quite like it. RAVELRY LINK. And we also managed our first Autumn crafting, Moody Pumpkins. Moody Pumpkin Tutorial HERE

I think its normal to sink and swim when you have suffered a loss, but it still comes as a shock. I had to fight back hot tears on the way home today because a bedroom door sign for the name 'Ellie' caught my eye in a shop window. From that fleeting glance I found myself wondering if I would ever see my dead baby again. It seems a ridiculous leap to make but in a second I had thought, 'no need to buy a door sign because there isnt a door, because there isnt a baby, because she died, and I dont really know where she is, maybe she is behind a door someplace, I wonder if I will ever see her again, I wonder if a door will open when I die and the babies I never met will be there.' (we have lost 4 babies). They tell me its normal, but what a weird and screwed up normal it is. I think I'm the moody pumpkin right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Valerie

xxx

Weekending

This weekend didn't exactly go to plan. The headache I had since Thursday night developed into a 4 day migraine which was accompanied by tooth pain at 4am on Saturday night Sunday morning. Because I take pain meds for my back I cant treat a migraine with anything more than paracetamol and ibuprofen (which helps my tooth pain but not the actual head/face pain).

I feel as though I have missed half of the weekend (more than half). So in no particular order 

: : I started knitting a new hat for myself RAVELRY LINK

: : We walked on a windy beach

: : I had toast and marmalade and earl grey tea in bed

: : I had an afternoon bubble bath and read a good book

: : We watched Gosford Park in bed (on Netflix)

: : Oscar and Daddy played at the park

: : Oscar had ice-cream

: : I made beef stir fry and quorn and butternut squash stew

: : We all ignored the GIANT piles of laundry (to my Monday morning detriment)

: : I spend a good deal of time lying down covering my eyes

: : I was up at 4.30am having salt water mouth washes

And today - : : I wish it wasnt Monday morning already.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oscar's chalk sketch of his red little tykes car - loving it so much

 

Valerie

xxx

What Next?

 

I am still feeling a bit out of sorts just now. I have been talking about boredom and what to do with my/our days and I still haven't come to any conclusions. This week, we went to the park on Monday, the beach on Tuesday, my Mum visited on Wednesday and a lovely friend and her little ones visited yesterday.  Not a bad week really, but I still feel it was fairly empty, possibly because there was a lot of space around these activities. I cooked, cleaned, played with Lego and play dough for the 3 thousandth time, did some knitting or did nothing at all.  The problem is, none of it was very engaging and the boredom is killing me.

 

 

I guess it gets me knocked off the 'earth mother' list for not being fully engaged in my child's activities.  I am not losing sleep over it though, because I think more mothers feel like me than not (some of the time).  I keep asking myself what I would be doing with my time if Oscar wasn't here all day, but I haven't come up with anything. I think if I figure that out I can then try and integrate it into my day with Oscar, making us both a bit more independent (happier?).

 

 

Its a difficult thing to talk about, because I realise how lucky I am to have the luxury of staying home every day, and I know there are a lot of parents who would read this grumbling and snort down their nose.  But it is what it is, and this is what happened with my older 2 children too. When my eldest child was 13 months I became pregnant again (before I had the time or the energy to get bored), but by the time they were aged 2 and 4 years, I enrolled in a full time college course (fine art- portfolio preparation), which led to 4 years of studying art and design at art school. Its worth mentioning that I was only 24 at that time. 

 

 

I think that Oscar not having a nursery spot yet has some bearing on my unrest, and most stay at home parents will agree that its very difficult to immerse yourself in anything of your own with a toddler beside you, no matter how busy they are. We are looking at a private nursery on Monday, because the school nursery cant promise a place at all. I am not 100% sure about it (or paying £14.50 per morning, when I don't have a job to supplement it).  I feel it's worth a visit though, before I dismiss it completely.

 

 

We don't really have any plans for the next few days, except maybe trawling the 7 charity shops which are 5 minutes away and hopefully putting a bit of my own stamp on the lounge by painting one wall with THIS.

Have a lovely weekend.

Valerie

xxx

p.s. there was a spider on the wall in the last photo.

Bad Hair Day

 

It really was VERY windy, but when the beach looks like this

 

 

 

And the little guy is busy doing this

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then I suppose its worth looking like this

 

 

The rest of the seaside dwellers seemed put off by the weather and it was just us for most of the afternoon. Perfect.

Valerie

xxx